A/N: This is the result of the tailspin of depression the final episode put me in. I decided it was finally time for a ‘lay it all on the line’ discussion between Harm and Mac. I’ve included a whole bunch of stuff that’s been bugging me. Lots of bugs, lots and lots of bugs.
No one dies, no one is really unhappy, but maybe you shouldn’t read it unless you have a strong stomach or a really warped sense of humor. I think I’ve seen too many of my sisters soaps.
Some sexual references, nothing explicit. Young ones beware.
Future Imperfect
“So Harm did you really mean it when you said you would always be there for me?”
“Of course, Mac. I always have and I always will.”
“Then you need to know something.”
“What is it Mac?”
“Today the doctor told me I have a condition.”
“A condition, Mac?”
“Yes Harm, a condition.”
“What kind of a condition, Mac?”
“Well you see, I won’t be able to have children Harm.”
“So our deal is off?”
“Not exactly.”
“Not exactly?”
“No, not exactly.”
“Well, exactly what then?”
“You see it’s like this. I have one chance if I start right away.”
“Right away, as in tonight? Uh, Mac, I think I’m busy tonight.”
“No. No Harm, quit squirming, it’s not like that. I’ve decided I’m through with men.”
“Oh I see, I think.”
“It’s like this Harm. After I have the baby, they will have to take everything.”
“Everything Mac?”
“Everything Harm.”
“Then what?”
“Well then I don’t have to worry about men any more, I won’t want anything to do with them.”
“But Mac, aren’t there pills?”
“Yes, but think about it Harm. Most of my problems have come from not being able to keep my legs together, so why would I want to take pills for it.”
“Well you have a point Mac. That has been a problem. Except around me of course.”
“Of course. But, I decided I would just concentrate on my career from now on, maybe try to be the first female JAG. See Harm, I figured you would insist on complete fidelity so there wasn’t really a point.”
“That’s true I would have, once I got over being the cocky aviator who had to crawl up every skirt I encountered, except for yours, of course.”
“Of course, so if we just have the baby, I can be the mommy and get it out of my system, and you can have a little person to instill with your insufferable sense of honor, duty and self-sacrifice.”
“Sounds good. Tell you what, you can move into the house I just bought. It has an apartment over the garage for me, and you and the baby can have the house. There’s a white picket fence, and a sandbox in the back yard, and I’ll be there for you, but not in your way of course.”
“Of course.”
“If you need anything fixed, or need any help, I’ll be handy, and the baby can visit me often.”
“That works, but no bimbos when the baby is around.”
“Not a problem, Mac. I’ve decided I might be gay. I don’t think I want anything else to do with women.”
“When did you decide this?”
“I’ve been taking a decorating class at night school. I want to start a home-improvement business next year when I retire. I guess some of the guys there just started to look better than any of the women I’ve ever been with.”
“Well that’s understandable they are probably better looking than any of the women you’ve known. I mean look at Renee for god’s sake.”
“Yeah, I know. Except for you Mac, you’re beautiful of course,”
“Of course, but I’m fatally flawed Harm. Besides I have this curse. If I tell a man I love him he either dies or wishes he did.”
“True. So how is this going to work? I mean….we don’t have to…uh….eeeyeew….do we?”
“No Harm, here’s the card of the sperm bank. You just go make a deposit. They have magazines and movies. When you feel the urge you just put it in a bottle, then they take it to my doctor.”
“That’s all? I just sit and watch movies and….uh….uh….?”
“Yes Harm, that’s all. Except, it might take a couple of months before it works.”
“So I get to go do this more than once? Cool.”
“Don’t get excited Harm, your appointment isn’t until Monday.”
“Maybe I should go home and start practicing.”
“No I don’t think so. You should save it.”
“Oh. Okay. Do you want a ride back to DC?”
“Sure, now that I know you aren’t going to try anything funny. That cab ride took all my disposable income for the month.”
“Gee Mac, do you need some money? You know you can always count on me, and my bottomless bank account.”
“Well you can go shopping tomorrow and stock my kitchen until I get paid. In fact, you can buy all my groceries from now on, and while you’re at it have my car serviced ok? I’m not supposed to drive for a few days.”
“Okay Mac and I’ll get you some movies and chocolate too, then you can lay on the couch all weekend and watch TV.”
“That will work. Harm, why are you starting a home-improvement business? I thought you would go to work for Frank.”
“Good god Mac I just spent twenty-five years wearing a uniform why would I want a job where I have to go to work everyday in an Armani suit and Italian loafers. It’s just trading one uniform for another.”
“I see your point.”
“Yeah, so this way I can wear jeans and torn t-shirts. No one will question my fitness if my stomach spills over my waistband. No one will charge me with conduct unbecoming if I scratch myself when I itch. If I’m late for work, they won’t bother me. As long as I get the job done and charge way too much, they’ll think I’m a genius.”
“So where does the gay part come in, most gay guys are really sharp dressers Harm, and take good care of themselves.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Oh, well I might have to reconsider that then. A beer belly and the scratching stuff sounds like more fun. You know, hanging with the guys at the bar, watching the game, falling asleep on the couch, with the remote in my hand and leftover pizza and beer bottles all over the place.”
“Harm that’s definitely not gay, that will never work. You’d have to be more of a neat nick than you are now.”
“Oh, well I guess gay is out. That still leaves all the fun parts though, doesn’t it?”
“Yes Harm, it still leaves all the fun parts.”
“Uh, Mac?”
“Yes, Harm.”
“Do you think anyone else wants to have a baby without a guy around?”
“Just drive Harm.”
The deep end
Okay now I have that out of my system…….