PS MS 25 is in beta as we speak.
May 20, 2005
JAG HQ
“Hi,” he said, with that sort of breathless voice that telegraphed severe emotional discomfort and uncertainly.
“Hi,” she returned in the same voice.
“Last day, huh?” he stated the obvious, washing his hands together and stepping gingerly into the barren office.
“Yeah, I guess,” she sounded so tough and so lost.
“I’ll be next, I guess,” he provided unneeded information.
“I know,” she answered. “London, huh?”
“Yeah, go figure,” he was still nervous, now for a different reason.
“What do you think it’s really all about?” she wondered perceptively.
“Don’t know,” he shrugged with a small, embarrassed smile. His eyes hid from her in the scene outside her window.
“Harm,” she tried to bring him back.
“Hmmm?” he continued the game of hide-and-seek.
“This is me, tell me,” she demanded softly.
“Can’t,” he fumbled.
“CIA again?” her breathing stopped, she looked completely terrified.
“No, not exactly,” he ducked behind more words.
“What, then,” she reached for his face, and laid her slender fingers along the side.
“Mac, please,” he met her eyes, begging for this secret.
“Tell me, Harm,” she nearly whispered, the look of fear in her eyes was worse than having her know.
“Naval Intelligence,” he barely formed the words.
“A transfer?” she asked, aghast.
“No. I’ll still be JAG attached to the embassy. As a senior attorney with high clearances I’ll be deployed TDA all over Europe. I’ll be in a position to see things, hear things easily, and correlate information without anyone suspecting it’s what I’m doing.” He simplified lightly, to the one friend he knew he could trust with his life. That was exactly what he was doing.
“And if they suspect?” she asked fearfully, knowing it wasn’t that easy.
“I’ll be recalled. Reassigned,” he shrugged again, allowing his massive shoulders to rise and fall in a symbol of light disregard he didn’t feel.
“Could be very dangerous,” she worried.
“I suppose,” he tossed out with false disregard.
“What if you don’t know that they’ve discovered you?” her concern mounted.
“At least it won’t be boring,” he tried a joke. It fell flat.
“There is that,” she answered unamused, turning to look out the window. Discussing this would not help. Orders had been cut. The idea of never seeing him again suddenly hit her with full force.
“San Diego for you,” he offered into the silence. “It’s nice there.”
“A long way from London,” she looked back at him.
“There’s always email, we can visit on leave,” he began hopefully, and wondered if his assignments would allow such luxury.
“Will we do that?” she questioned.
“I’d like to thinks so,” he needed the lifeline.
“Me too, but….” She doubted.
“I’ll miss you,” he offered, holding tight.
“Don’t, not if you….,” she demurred.
“I mean it. I will,” of everything between them, she had to believe and accept that.
She nodded, “Not here.”
He understood. “Have dinner with me?”
She shrugged; they both needed this last bit of time, “I need to ask a favor.”
“Anything,” he replied instantly.
“My stuff is gone,” she explained needlessly.
“I know. My stuff goes Monday.” It was the way of transfers. Your stuff goes first and arrives last.
“I’ve been sleeping on a futon Bud loaned me,” she elaborated.
“Uh huh,” he felt ashamed. If he’d thought of it, she could have stayed with him.
“Will you help him move it back? The apartment is released on Monday,” she provided.
“Of course, anything. When does your plane leave?” an idea was forming.
“1100 Sunday.”
“You haven’t answered my question,” he nudged.
“What?” she’d forgotten there was a question.
“Dinner?” he raised his brow.
“Oh, okay. If you want,” please want me, she asked silently.
“I want. Do you?” he clarified.
“This is so hard,” her voice quivered. “I never thought it would happen,” she admitted.
“Let’s get out of here Mac,” he told her softly.
“Its only 1630,” office hours weren’t over.
“What are they gonna do, fire us?” he tossed cavalierly.
“I guess you’re right,” she acquiesced.
“C’mon, let’s go,” he picked up her briefcase and laptop.
“Harm,” she protested.
“Just this once, Mac,” he needed to do this.
She nodded understanding, as he turned back to his nearly stripped office to retrieve his cover.
He was back in fifteen seconds and took her arm, guiding her to the elevators. No one in OPs said a word, they just watched. Goodbyes had been said. It was the way of the military.
The erstwhile couple boarded the elevator and left the room without a backward glance.
Parking lot
JAG HQ
“Here, let me put that stuff in this car, Harm,” she reached to put her things in the rental.
“Turn the car in, Mac,” he suggested suddenly.
“Why? I still have tomorrow and Sunday morning,” she was puzzled, but with a tiny spark of hope.
“I’ll take you. Turn it in.” He was almost pleading
“Okaaay,” she dragged it softly, wondering what he had in mind. “The rental place is near the airport.”
“I’ll follow you,” he promised.
He was right behind her when she pulled into the small cramped lot. Bringing his car even with her rental, he hopped out as she started for the door.
“Pop the trunk, Mac. I’ll get your bags.” She turned and aimed the remote, opening access to the car before going inside to finish the paperwork.
In little more than a minute, he had everything that remained of Sarah Mackenzie’s belongings in his SUV, and waited beside the car. He watched her walk from the small office, filling his eyes with the memory of her, then held the door while she climbed into the passenger seat.
“Where are we having dinner, Harm?” she asked, not caring a bit.
“My place,” came the decided reply.
She cocked an eyebrow in question.
“Last chance, Mac. I’ve sold it. I won’t be back to DC,” he explained.
“What if you get a promotion?” she suggested, ignoring other reasons he might not return.
“Not gonna happen. Even if it did, I wouldn’t come here. I’ll retire first,” he didn’t want to be in this city any more.
She nodded. There was so much that could have happened for them here, and there was so much that didn’t happen. Now it would never happen. She wouldn’t return either, there were too many might have beens. They would outweigh any pluses.
“Later you can take me to my motel if you will. It’s by the airport too.” She mentioned for no particular reason.
“Hmmmhnnn,” he agreed without agreeing.
They stopped at a small market, a family owned store, and bought fresh food for their dinner. He apologized. “I’ve sort of stripped the cupboards.”
She didn’t pay much attention to his purchases, she was preoccupied with the realization these were their last moments together, maybe forever. She absorbed the sensation of just being near him.
They worked together bringing up the grocery bags, and he quickly put things away after settling her at the bar with a club soda. He’d even bought limes. She smiled at the small, thoughtful gesture.
As he started the dinner cooking, he watched her face. She looked around the room a bit before turning to watch him work, and he remembered the first time she was here. He recalled how boldly he undressed, essentially in front of her, when he changed uniforms for their assignment. He remembered showing off his Cuban cigars, and her biting comment about them being illegal. Something in that remark had involuntarily knocked his sense of honor and ethics up several notches. She was right. With all he stood for, the cigars were an anomaly. When they returned, he had discarded them. It was difficult, they were a treasured luxury, but they were no longer the same. He shouldn’t have them, she was right to disapprove.
But disapproval wasn’t the same as dislike, and she soon came by his apartment with a peace offering after another of their now famous battles. It went like that for nine years he’d do something, she didn’t approve, but she still cared. She would do something he disliked, but he still cared. And here they were, both doing something neither liked, against their will, but still they cared.
“How did we get here Mac?” he asked after dinner was over. The small talk had finally died a willing death. If they were to talk further this evening, if he was to keep her with him longer, they had to say other things.
“You asked me that before?” she reminded him, not remembering where or when. “One step at a time, Harm.” None of the steps seemed wrong when they were taken, but looking back any one would have made a difference.
“I meant what I said,” he reminded her.
“When?” wondering if they should go there now.
“In the office. I will miss you,” he couldn’t help saying this; she had to know this one thing.
“We can’t, Harm, it will just make it harder,” she protested weakly.
“Will it? Can anything make it harder when you lose everything you ever wanted?” he asked bleakly.
“It won’t happen,” she said.
“What won’t,” he was confused.
“Keeping in touch. Maybe for a while, but….maybe we’ll even visit our first leave, but we’ll stop. I know we will,” it was too hard to believe in a future.
“Is that what you want? Just walk away. No looking back?” was this harder for him than for her he wondered.
“No but….” It wasn’t what she wanted. Perhaps this upheaval was what they had needed all along. This reminder of uncertainty.
“Me either. I want to stay in touch. I want to use my leave to be with you,” he told her.
“Why didn’t we ever….Harm we’ve had so long.” the thought tore from her, ripe with frustration.
“Maybe that’s the problem. We got too comfortable. We never thought it would end,” was his untimely wisdom.
“You’re probably right. One step at a time, huh?” she repeated the phrase dismally, squeezing it for the answer to their failure.
“Something like that,” he agreed, “But it can work the other way too.”
“Okay. I’ll try if you will. I’ll….I’ll miss you too. Everywhere in every way, but maybe most in court,” she smiled, remembering some of their more famous battles.
“Not like this? Not the quite moments?” he asked.
“We haven’t had enough of them Harm. Its hard to miss what you never had,” she looked at him.
“I know; it was my fault. I could have….I should have…” he faltered.
“We both should have, Harm, it wasn’t just you or just me. As you said, we had too long. We….I think we almost forgot we were in the military, at least that aspect of it. The entire office was too stable for too long, none of us imagined….” then she broke with a small sob.
Immediately he was closer, holding her, soothing her. “I’m sorry Mac. God, I’m sorry. If we could only go back, redo some of those scenes, those lost opportunities,” he said with a sardonic smile.
“Yeah,” she agreed, pulling back a little, her eyes filled with moisture. He used his large gentle fingers to help dry them. It wasn’t the first time. He never liked seeing her cry, but he’d give anything if someone could guarantee he’d always be there to dry her tears.
“I guess….guess I’d better go. It’s getting late,” she needed to break the contact. He was too close.
“Mac….” he began.
She stood quickly and started for the door. “If you’ll drive me, Harm, I’d appreciate it. Or we can call a cab,” she stated in that airy voice that holds at the edge of self-control.
“Mac,” he said again, moving to her as she reached for the doorknob. She was intent on escaping now; it was all that was left. It was her way.
“No,” he said stepping in close, placing his hand on the door beside her shoulder. “Not yet.”
“I have to Harm,” she replied not turning.
“I know, but….please, wait,” he asked for more time: minutes, seconds, anything.
She turned her head and looked over her shoulder. “What Harm?” she asked, thinking she knew, afraid she knew, afraid she was wrong.
“May I…. may…. I’d like to kiss you goodbye,” he finished in an unsatisfactory rush.
“I don’t think….” She resisted. It wasn’t enough, and it was too much.
“Please, Mac. Then I’ll take you to your motel,” he offered, thinking it was her wish.
She nodded; she could do this. “Okay. I’d like that. A kiss goodbye,” she turned to him raising her chin. Unprepared for the soft impact of his beautiful lips lightly brushing hers, her knees trembled at the first touch.
Her breath caught, and he increased the pressure, still not touching her. They should withdraw now, she thought, he’ll pull back any second, then she felt his hand at her waist, urging her closer. He had difficulty controlling this, but he had to. There was only one final chance.
Her body ultimately betrayed her completely, swaying close to him. Her arm moved up his chest and wrapped around his neck. His other arm gathered her in, and his lips parted slightly nudging at hers.
She moved into the kiss, wanting desperately to move away, but completely unable to resist. The tip of his tongue touched the edge of her lower lip and she fell into him. Half a step and her back was against the door. His arms surrounded her, and hers clutched tightly at him. The kiss became their entire existence. If they stopped, surely they would die. They could live here forever, if they stayed in this kiss.
Finally, finally, he pulled back slightly. “Aww Mac, Sarah” was pulled from him in a whispered cry. He moved his head as though searching for a thought, a word, whatever would allow them to keep this.
“Yeah, I know, we missed it. It would have been good, it would have been really good,” she agreed, her eyes tearing again.
“It still can be,” he offered.
“No, its over,” she shook her head.
“Did that feel like over, Mac?” he bargained.
“No, but you’re going to London, and I’m going to California and….” he kissed her again. It was the same kiss and it was different. They had to stop doing this. She couldn’t stop though.
“Harm, we….” It was hard to form a thought, to complete a sentence.
“Mac we’re still on the same planet. It’s only half a day and an airline ticket. Not eternity,” he ventured.
She dropped her gaze again, “I know but….” Why couldn’t they have found this when it was easy?
“Unless you don’t want to…” he worried. Had he misread, had he gone too far?
“No, I do. I mean, yes. I wish we could….I wish we would,” this didn’t make sense.
“We’re still alive Mac, and I plan to stay that way for quite a while,” he promised.
“Me too,” she giggled nervously at the uncertainty. “But….”
“No buts. Just promise you’ll email me once a week,” he asked.
“I can’t do that Harm,” she replied miserably. He loosened his hold a little
Her eyes came back to his. “I don’t think I can go more than a day,” her voice came breathlessly.
“Good,” he sighed his relief, and pulled her close. “Do you want me to take you to the motel now,” he offered, praying harder than he’d ever prayed for anything in his life.
“No,” she answered in a soft voice. “Not unless you really want to.”
“I’d rather not. But are you sure Mac?” What were they saying?
“I’ve always been sure Harm, I don’t know why only now….but I’m sure.” Her reply was strong.
“Will you let me hold you tonight?” he asked. She could have the bed, he’d take the couch, but if he could only hold her.
“I’ll let you do more than that if you want to,” she promised.
He cocked his head, “You want that….uh me?”
“Don’t you want me?” not again, she begged.
“Of course, I always have. It’s just….I wanted so much more,” he told her.
“As you said Harm, we aren’t dead yet, and we don’t plan to be for a long time. Maybe….” She let the thought hang. One step at a time
“Yeah maybe….” he agreed, releasing her. “I’ll go….uh….go get your bag,” he offered.
“Just the small one on top, Harm,” she requested.
“Okay,” he smiled, as he grabbed the keys and slipped through the door.
She moved about the room shutting down the lights, then walked up the steps to his room. By the time he returned she’d brushed her teeth, washed her face, and donned one of his t-shirts and little else. She was tucked into his bed waiting, the blanket pulled up across her breasts, when she heard him at the door. Admittedly, she was nervous, but she needed this memory of him to take into tomorrow, into her future. It would be easier than never knowing. A lot of women had their men deployed and never saw them again. This would give her a way to pretend.
He came in, locked the door, and called out. “Mac?”
“In here,” she answered.
He walked slowly up the steps, a puzzled look on his face until he saw her, then it spread into a happy grin. “You’re a little ahead of me, Marine.”
“SOP Navy,” she grinned in return. This would be a little awkward, but they’d get through it. They knew each other; their special humor would help.
“I’ll be right back,” he placed her bag on a chair and moved quickly to the bathroom. A minute later, he leaned around the doorway. “Who’s been using my toothbrush?” he asked knowingly.
She tugged at a strand of her hair and looked at it. “Well it wasn’t Goldilocks, Harm,” she replied.
He laughed out loud and ducked back inside to finish. A few minutes later she heard him rummage in the cabinets. When he walked from the small facility, his face was long and serious.
“What’s wrong Harm,” she wondered if he was having second thoughts. Had she made a fool of herself with her offer?
“Mac, I’m sorry,” he started, as he sat on the bed and took her hand
She started to pull away. “Its okay Harm, you can still take me…”
“No it’s not that. I want you…I want you to stay, it’s just…” he stumbled.
“Just what Harm?” she was puzzled, and still a little hurt.
“I don’t have anything…um… protection. It’s been…well, it’s been a while. I just never kept it around,” he shrugged a little embarrassed.
“Oh God Harm, is that all?” She almost laughed in relief, except the look on his face was too shattered to laugh.
“Harm, remember what I told you? What the doctor said. Harm, we could try every night for a year, and nothing would happen. It.…” she looked like she might cry. “It won’t happen, Harm, I can’t….”
“Mac, I’m so sorry,” he pulled her into his arms. “I almost wish we could have that kind of accident,” he told her. “I’d love for it to happen for you, for us,” he assured her. “I just didn’t want to take the chance if you didn’t want to. Is it really that…uh…permanent?” he asked sadly.
“I’m afraid so,” she admitted, and refused to look at him. Less than five percent was too infinitesimally small for her to even consider.
“Mac,” he said, and tried to get her to turn to him. “Mac,” he repeated gently. “Please look at me.” He placed his fingertips lightly on her cheek, and coaxed her face to him.
“I can’t say it doesn’t matter. It does, to both of us, but we still have us. I still want you. I’ve always wanted you most, please believe me,” he entreated.
She looked deep in his eyes, searching for the truth in his words. He’d said them before, but she wasn’t sure she’d believed them. Now the truth was so bare she couldn’t deny it.
“I know Harm. I want you too. Please. Love me,” she invited.
He leaned in giving her the gentlest of kisses, then stood slowly and walked to the other side of the bed. Carefully he undressed, placing his clothes on the bedside chair. He’d put them on in the morning. Maybe….Unless….
Turning off the small lamp, he slipped beneath the covers and gathered her close. “May I,” he asked, tugging at the t-shirt.
“Yes,” she smiled. “You may.”
Slowly his hands crept under the soft, well-worn material of the oversized shirt, and lifted it over her head. He tossed it backwards towards the chair and brushed his hands over her soft shoulders glowing in the light from the streetlamp. It was just enough illumination to see her eyes, her skin, the exquisite curves that were the private places of Sarah MacKenzie. The soft sounds of appreciation from him were not words. He had no words, only feelings.
Slowly, as one in a trance, he brought his lips to hers. She met him halfway. His arms went around her again, brushing the covers away. As he pulled her into him, his hand played up and down the length of her back, clearly visible in the dim light. The kiss deepened, their hands explored, their bodies touched. Anxious to find the joy of completion, they were reluctant to miss the opportunity to experience the full sensation and emotion of this first and only time together. When he finally rolled her beneath him they were well satisfied with all they had discovered of the other.
It was not an isolated endeavor. They awoke several times that night, and reexamined every caress, every kiss, and the joy of being one for a little while. Their lovemaking continued well into the next day, interrupted only by the need to eat and bathe. They took a long walk together on the Mall. They visited the Wall together, something they’d never done. Something Harm knew he’d never do again.
The night was filled with more giving and receiving, as they discovered and stored every emotion and touch possible. It would be a while before they had this opportunity again. Each looked forward to their next visit, and each wondered if they were lying to themselves that it would ever happen. They hoped it would, hoped the other wanted it as much.
Finally, it was Sunday morning and she had a plane to catch. There was no more time, it was over, this microcosm of togetherness. This tiny example of what could have been, if only for one small step somewhere along the way. Just one step different some where, at some time. But, enough of that. What they shared now was too wonderful to damage with remorse. Whatever it was, it had to remain unscarred for the future memories they would cling to.
He drove her silently to the airport, at a loss for words, but holding tightly to her hand. They checked her bags at the curb, a courtesy still available for a domestic flight. He followed her inside and they waited, bonded by a desperate hand hold for the small portion of time left to them.
Too soon, she looked at her watch. It was time to go. Reaching for her bag, she felt the tall man standing near her remove it from her hand. He set it on the seat and drew her into his arms. The airport audience largely ignored the soul deep kiss they shared, each accepting in their own mind it might be the last ever.
He released her slowly, still holding her eyes, as he handed her the bag. She draped the shoulder strap in place. As she took a step back and then another, their fingers dropped from each other’s hands. Just as their eyes lost their lock they whispered, “I’ll write.”
She turned to walk down the companionway, through the security gate and towards the waiting airplane. Then glanced back into a face that showed the same loss and sadness she knew was reflected in her own. “I love you,” she said the words that didn’t quite make it to his ears
“I love you,” he offered at the same moment, the sound lost in the din of boarding passengers.
Turning back, she and disappeared into the crowd.
End